Whoa! Kristen,

It's your God-forsaken right to be loved.

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 23:17:29 GMT

OK, so as you can all see, I haven't been on this thing since last summer. But I was sitting here by myself doing absolutely nothing, so I started reading everyone's entries, and it made me want to write and let everyone know what's going on lately.

Wellllll, drama's over, thank the Lord. It really sucked this year. And I'm not saying it for the reasons that you might think I am. It just was a horrible year, for a lot of people. MPPP is no longer a family, it's just another high school club. It was the worst thing to come to terms with. The hate and the nastiness and the talking was just unbearable. And those people it was directed towards did not deserve it whatsoever. I don't even want to go fully into it because it just bothers me so much. Ragtime was the only year when we were a true family, and I wish it was like that again. Godspell was pretty close to that, too. But Aida is when it started and it was just got worse this year. I feel bad for the groups to come. But enough about this.

Deciding what college I'm going to is tougher than I thought it was going to be. I'm still waiting for one more letter but I just want to know that I'm set. I want to be done with everything so that I can enjoy the rest of this year and do what seniors are supposed to the last three months of their senior year. I hope it ends good. And I hope I'm happy one year from now.

Because I'm not really that happy right now

I remember now why I stopped writing in this thing. I don't really like to write.

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

Sun, 01 Jul 2007 23:46:08 GMT

Blah blah blah blah blah.

I'm not going to start off my entry with some boring annoying lame complaint or whiny sentence. I'll start off by saying that this summer has been going pretty good besides the fact that I work weekends and wake up at 6:30 am during the week.

Wait, did that just sound boring, annoying, lame, and/or whiny? =/

Whatever...I'm enjoying it for the most part. I want to go to Deer Park soon. I miss my cousin and Seanie and Little Ryan and everyone there. I felt great when I was there, so I think I need to get back there soon.

But I also need to work tons of hours...because I need to make $1100 by September.
It's difficult. I HATE SAVING MONEY...lol.

Uhm, boy department? I'm not sure what's going on. It's all non-exclusive...and I like it. But I always wish there was more. Not with EVERYONE...just like, one person. But whatever. Summer's not about that.

I think that everyone should call me and hang out with me. Because that's how cool you guys are.=] And that's all.<3

I am breathing in the moment

Sat, 16 Jun 2007 17:22:41 GMT

Ok, SO.

Uhm, hmmmm.

I guess I kicked off summer already?

I need to remember to eat daily...yeah...I gotta do that. =/ hahah

So I failed the math regents by like, minus a million points.
I have us history and bio next week, then prom. then effing summer.
Then driver's ed. And work.

And my summer is going to be a waste now hahah.

We'll see what happens.

I think I lead a really exciting life but I don't like to share every detail with the world.
I think that's a step in the right direction.=]

OK, that's all I need to say hahaha. byeeeeee<333333333

We're looking up at the same night sky

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 19:06:18 GMT

OK, so I figured that because I'm done with classes, it was about time to update. =]

But, I really have no idea what to talk about. Things have just been happening. I've been so stressed out from school but finally I'm relieved.

Uhm...prom is in two weeks and it's gonna be awesome.=]

I have three tests to take and then I'm done and I'll be a freakin' senior.=D

OK, I'm going to stop with this dull entry and remember to update as soon as something interesting happens in my life...hah.

Byeeeeeeeeee.<3

Sun, 20 May 2007 04:27:03 GMT

Being at the Wedge makes me feel i n f i n i t e .

<3

"Hello, I miss you quite terribly."

Mon, 07 May 2007 00:49:43 GMT

So another awesome weekend has been had.

I missed nearly a full week of school this week...and I probably shouldn't have. I probably have loads of work to make up, and I have AP tests on Friday and next Wednesday that I'm not ready for at ALL.

I love how it's just clicking now that the next 5 years of my life will depend on how I did this year, and it's too late for me to fix it. I just hope that I can get into the colleges I want and not end up at Suffolk (no offense to anyone who goes there or is going to go there). I just don't want to stay home, I CAN'T STAY HOME.

Whatever.

I read someone's blog today where they wrote about how they "appreciate life because it's so perfect and couldn't be better" and that "everyone should feel this way because there is nothing wrong in your life when you listen to a great song and put your feet on the ground." It kind of bothered me a little bit? Not that a person can't be happy or anything, but not everyone can be as care free as one person. I'm not trying to sound emo or depressed or anything of the sort, I just don't like it when people seem very narrow-minded. Don't get me wrong, my problems aren't nearly as bad as some of those in poor countries where there's no money for food or people who have terminal illnesses, or anything of the sort. But I do have issues that I have to deal with, that makes life less perfect, and I think people should understand that.

And I hate when people resolve to "getting it crunk" and "getting trashed" in order to have fun. It frustrates me to no end when people think there's "nothing else to do" but smoke or drink. GJSDKAGL;ASDG;.

OK, I'm done bitching.

Bye.<3

If it don't swing, you know it don't mean a thing...

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 18:46:08 GMT

So this weekend, was THEE best weekend. It was an extreme blasttttt.=]

Friday night I went to Cassie and Kelsey's Dad's house downport, and I stayed till Sunday night basically. We went down port like, 5 times in two days. And we went to the pier every time, AND I GOT COLOR. Oh Em Gee. It's a miracle.

So Saturday wen went down port at around 1...then went back to the house, then went down port again around 4ish with Jordan, then went back to the house again, then we were about to leave for Cool Beanz Cafe to see Lights in the Sky, BUT the show got cancelled, soooo Ryan, Chris, and James came down port. Then the next day we went to the Polish American Hall to check it outttt and then we went down port again with Jordan. FINALLY we chilled anddd I went home. The end.

It was quite a stupendous weekend and I think that it needs to happen again.=D

Last week was such a good week. I was in the best mood Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. And it carried on until yesterday too. I'm in a decent mood today, too, though.=] There's one thing that could've made it great, but it was good nonetheless, and tomorrow ill be great.=D

WHY AM I SO CORNY AND LAME LATELY.
I have no clue.

And I need to make up my mind. I mean, being open-minded and optimistic about everything is good, but when you're too open-minded, you just leave yourself in a big mess, and I have no idea how to get myself out of it without hurting people.

So I apologize in advance to anyone I might end up hurting. I'm so sorryyyy.=/

On a lighter note:

Me and Sarah started our Tour de Miller Place on Sunday. We've rode our bikes about 25 miles in 2 days. If you call us, we'll be glad to stop by your house on the way.=]

I think that's about it hahaha. Byeee!

<33

Take these chances...

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 00:42:22 GMT

I hardly update...sorry.=/

Well, let's see...

There's so much that needs to be done that I can't handle it anymore. I'm way behind in everything that I need to do that I'm not even realizing how much this is going to effect my future. If I don't buckle down and get everything done NOW, where am I going to end up in a year and a half? I'm graduating next year. Shit. It's not getting through my head that I need to stop wasting time doing unimportant things and start paying attention and doing work and getting ready.

It's all extremely stressful. And to top it off, everything that I need to get done or do all has to be done at the SAME TIME. It's like I can't even get a break. I'm so sleep-deprived that I can hardly keep my eyes open anymore. The next break we really get is summer, and that's going to be too late. I need to focus ASAP.

In other news, I figured out what my problem is. I jump into things too quickly, and don't think about the consequences first. That's how I end up getting hurt. And I always start out saying, "Oh, no, it'll be fine I won't think too much into it, it's really nothing I know that." But then I end up getting myself deeper and deeper into it and I always end up falling through in the end. I know this is really vague but I'm sure most of you can probably figure out what I'm referring to since it's nothing specific. But that's really what I need to fix, because it messes up a lot of things.

It's time for a break. I really need a break.

=D

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 04:18:01 GMT

I would just like to sayyyyy...

Thank you to everyone who made my birthday super amazingly awesome.=]

I had a really great day because lots of people helped!

I owe you all big hugs and kisses.<33

Mon, 09 Apr 2007 04:01:41 GMT

I'M 17 TODAY! =D

<3333333333333333

Wed, 04 Apr 2007 19:33:34 GMT

I'm turning 17 in 5 days, and yet, I'm still treated like an 8 year old by my dad. I don't understand why he hasn't realized that I'm not an idiot and I can handle myself?

I ask to go see a stupid movie with two of my guy friends, and he says "I don't know...I don't like that..." I don't get it. 17! I'm almost 17. Not letting me hang out with guys isn't going to stop me from doing things that I could do with boys if I wanted to. I just UGH I don't know how to tell him that it's not a big deal. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have my mom around sometimes. I really think I'd end up being a hermit.

I'm going to be in a freaking public place...what the issue? I'm not going to have sex with someone in the middle of the movie theater lobby. Obviously he doesn't trust me? This is sooooooo annoying.

That's probably why they don't want me to go away to college. WELL I AM GOING AWAY TO COLLEGE.

Sun, 01 Apr 2007 17:44:21 GMT

I feel better knowing when my friends are around.
So thank you, guys, for being there.<3

Sun, 01 Apr 2007 03:45:57 GMT

So is it better to tell and hurt or lie to save their face?

Well I guess the answer is don't do it in the first place.

I know I'm not deserving of your ~~trust~~ from you right now,

But if by chance you change your mind you know I will not

~~Let you down~~

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 20:05:05 GMT

I lied.

It never happened...I don't know what I was talking about.

Oh, What a Night

Sun, 25 Mar 2007 17:11:59 GMT

MY DREAM CAME TRUE.

I don't know if that's good or not...but it definitely did.

It's not exactly the same but it pieces together exactly the same.

Who knew.

It's 100% reason to remember the nameeee.

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 02:26:34 GMT

OK, I said I'd update after closing, and it might be a few days after, but I needed to chill out and relax for a couple of days.

SO:

Thursday's show was great, even though everyone else said it was a disaster? But I had fun being ensemble one last time in the show. The party at Lindsey's after was much fun. I hung out with Melissa a lot of the time but Clark and Chris and other people came in and joined in on the partayyy in her room and it was fun.=]

Friday and Saturday I just relaxed and such...Saturday I went down port with Cassie and Kelsey and it was very fun. And I didn't realize how much I missed going so often. This summer I'll be down there all the time...WHO'S WITH ME!?=D

Sunday was closing...and according to a lot of people it was my best show, but I didnt' feel good so I didn't agree? But I guess it's OK. I thought the Sunday night performance was the best...but it's all good. As glad as I am that it's over and I can relax now, I'm still a little sad because it was a fun show to do and being a lead finally made me feel like people actually noticed me for something other than how many people hate me. I don't know, it sounds stupid and vain, but it's just what I've always felt, and I'm happy that it's starting to fade because people are actually getting past that.

So the party after was...not so good. It felt very dull and it was kind of depressing. Me and Amy and Alyssa decided that because they were seniors we had to have more fun than that so we went to the Heritage Diner with Steve Garritano, Katie Sadd, and John Westerlund. It was actually quite fun, and I found my waiter loverrrrr. His name is Austin and we all loved him, and he loved me...hahaha! I even got a picture with him.=P

So Monday was very tiring. I went to school and came home and then went to set building at 7 because Amy wanted me to come and bring a Sharpie...hahah. It was kind of sad getting rid of that set. Seeing it today was even weirder because we worked so hard to build it this year and the stage is so bare now.

But anyways...so Tuesday:
WOKE UP AT 3:30 IN THE FREAKING MORNING. Very unpleasant.
Got on a bus at 5:00 to go to Albany with the All-County Vocal Jazz ensemble...and I didn't get what I expected.

We sang at a bus station. An old bus station in Albany...it was the weirdest, almost grimiest, and maybe most depressing day of my life. We got a flat tire on the way so we had to go onto the other bus (there were only 2) and there wasn't enough room for everyone so it was very uncomfortable. We got there in about 5 hours, and changed into our concert dress, and sang. It was pretty lame. We didn't even sing all of our songs. Then we ate and then we went home.

I have to say though, I'm glad I went, because the best part was the bus ride home. Since I never got to perform in the concert at SCMEA Jazz Day, I didn't get to keep in touch with any of the people I met. So this was a good chance to change that, and I was really happy.
On the bus ride home, I met everyone. I talked to all the Ward Melville kids that I so often become infatuated with. (I want to be one of them!!!!) I met a few kids from other schools...LIKE MATT RIVERA WHO I THINK IS AMAZING. And I hung out with Adam from Sayville anddddd Matt and Steve from Smithtown WEST...and I had an awesome time. I really wanna hang out with all of them again because I'll be very sad if I can't keep in touch. I found most of them on Myspace or Facebook so I think it'll be good.=]

But now...I need to sleep. I need to catch up or I'll never be awake again.

So, I'll try to do as Jess asked and update every day...We'll have to see how that works out.=]

Bye!<3

I just want to beeee with youuu.

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 20:20:07 GMT

So opening weekend was a huge success. Opening night was great, even though I made a few mistakes. But they weren't noticable mistakes, so it wasn't horrible. I got to relax during the ensemble performance Sunday afternoon, and then I was pumped for the evening show which I think kicked some major ass.

I have to say that the entire cast did an incredibly amazing job this weekend and it can only get better! I'm proud of you all!=]

So I've just been relaxing and I plan on doing so until Saturday. I don't have to sing much until then so I'm not too worried, but I just don't want to lose my sound. I really liked how I did on Sunday night, I wish they taped that show!

Well, closing better be amazing. I think it will be.=D

I had the WEIRDEST DREAM last night. It involved one other person, and it confused me a lot. And now I'm freaking because I don't know what to do about it? I don't know if it's a sign that I want something more?
Wow. I'm pathetic hahah. IT WAS JUST A DREAM. K.=]

OK, I have nothing else to say...I'll update more after closing night. I just felt the need to update because I realized that people were checking it out and I didn't update enough. I hate when I don't do that!

OK, bye.<33

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 04:21:49 GMT

jess montalbano:

beautiful.

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 06:27:28 GMT

Is it weird of me that I'm very paranoid? Like, if someone says something or posts and entry or anything that is directed towards someone but doesn't have a name on it, I ALWAYS think it's about me. And usually it's not, but I always feel like it is. It freaks me out because I feel like secretly, people actually don't like me, but when they talk to me and act like my best friend I feel like it's an act. Is that weird? I'm just afraid it's true. I'm so self-conscious and I have no self-esteem whatsoever but I really don't know why. I think I need to work on that.

lalalaaaa

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 18:11:36 GMT

So I guess it's time for an update.

I should start to be a little more consistant with this thing, but it's so hard to when you school and rehearsal and lessons and homework. Sometimes I just don't think I have time to sit down and write an entry.

Well, whatever. So anyway...

Not much has happened since the last time I updated. Lots of rehearsals, homework that I don't do...blah. Senioritis is kicking in early for me. I can't imagine how bad it's going to be next year.

The play's coming out good. I'm starting to get a little frazzled about it, though. There's a lot of pressure on me to be really good and sometimes I'm afraid that I'm going to let everyone down. I really worked hard to make it as good as I possibly can. It's not really my fault that I have Acid Reflux, which can be a major setback for me. But I've been good with my medicine and I should be OK for the shows. But hearing what these people have to say about me. These people who have absolutely no shame in saying things about me that I can't change. It's just a little nerve-racking knowing that there are people who would want nothing more than to have me mess up and ruin the show. But I'm not going to do that. Obviously this means nothing to them and everything to everyone else. Theatre is something I live for, and if they can't deal with that, then they're just going to have to get over themselves and put their immature, self-centered attitudes behind them and suck it up for the show.

OK, I really don't think I made any sense, but I feel better.

Whatever. Uhm, other than the show, which is almost 95% of my life lately...

OH I was supposed to dye my hair a little bit lighter for the show.
And it didn't work....so now I have like, yellow/orange hair. And I need to get it fixed. I refuse to go out in public because it's horrible.

Never again am I bleaching my own hair.

OK, I really have nothing else to update about. After the show closes I'll update about that.=]

Now I'm going to go and enjoy my vacation to the best of my ability. Bye!

I think I need to get the record straight.

Wed, 31 Jan 2007 00:05:44 GMT

This is my livejournal. It's basically my diary only I like people to know how I'm feeling and what's new in my life. That's why it's not private.

And if I ever have anything negative to say, it usually remains anonymous. I may be mean, but I will keep it anonymous. So for all anyone knows I could be talking about a chimpanzee in the circus or a television show on Lifetime. Anything that I say can be about anything.

I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm simply ranting on my own livejournal about how I'm feeling. It's what this site is for. And there are no names or faces so how is it possible to know exactly what I'm talking about unless I say it specifically?

Please, if anyone has a problem with my livejournal, tell ME. I'll listen to anything you have to say, but honestly, I probably won't get rid of it or anything. It's my place of freedom, and I'll continue to say what I feel.

So I hope everyone understands me now. Thanks for reading.=]

It's not that much longer for us, build another pyramidddddd...=]

Sun, 28 Jan 2007 22:55:11 GMT

Tom Poli said once before we even started blocking really, "I have to say that even if Ragtime was my favorite show, I think this one is going to be really really good." And it made me feel a lot better about all the commotion about leads and parts and stuff and it was really nice of him to say it. I don't know if he realized that it made me feel better but it was a really nice thing to say.

And, I completely agree with him. This show is coming together and it's so good. Last year was such a bad year with the people who came into the group...i.e.freshmen. But half of them dropped out and the other half fixed up their acts I guess and now you can't notice their stupidity anymore. People are more dedicated this year...with the exception of some who are just retarded. But I think this year will be LOADS better than Godspell, because besides people like the seniors and people who actually wanted to be there, the whole show last year sucked. Most of the people were horrible and didn't give a rat's ass. And that just added to the fact that I didn't like the show at all.

But yeah...aside from that rambling, I just think that this year may have started out as a pain in the ass with people talking but I gave up caring once I realized that I really am going to kick ass at this part. I don't care what anyone says, I'm working my ass off and I'm going to be awesome.=]

K, I'm gonna go now...=D

Much loveee.<3333

Tue, 09 Jan 2007 02:40:10 GMT

I can't stand how vacant I feel, and I can't stand that I have no way to express this vacancy. I hate that I can't express to others how I feel so that they can understand what I'm feeling. I used to be so good at it and now I just can't do it anymore. And you could not even begin to understand how frustrating that is for me. I spent my whole life using music and dance to express my emotions and feelings but for some reason nothing is coming out right anymore and it's all building up inside of me and I feel like there's no way for me to get any of it out. Sometimes I get so unbelievably frustrated that I sit and cry. I can't take feeling like I'm alone and that no one can get inside my head and help me sort everything out.

And I hate that I know exactly what my flaws are and yet I can't fix them overnight. I hate it, I hate it a lot.

I just UGH.

Whatever.

I'm sick now. My brother got my parents sick and now they got me sick and now I'm screwed because we're going to be running the show soon and I can hardly sing and I have All-County Vocal Jazz rehearsals starting on Thursday and I'm going to suck and I have to get that stupid camera scope down my throat and BLAH. This week needs to end.

And all my schoolwork is accumulating and I need to buckle down and actually get it done because I'm failing a class and that's not good and I hate this year class-wise and I need some help.=/

I think I'm done for the night though.

The past, is another land.

Tue, 26 Dec 2006 05:33:28 GMT

I really need to get out of high school.

Like, I really don't belong in high school anymore. I hate it. If I had the grades, I'd gladly graduate early. But I didn't take enough classes to get enough credits.

But seriously, I need some friends I can trust. And friends that I'll have for a while.

I have three friends that I've known forever and will definitely stay friends forever with. That would be my cousin Alex, and then Angela and Alyssa. They mean the most to me because I know that no matter what happens, I'll always be close to them. They will be the ones who end up in my wedding party. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. No matter what.

But I need more friends like that. And there is no chance in hell that you can find them in high school.

I need to move onto college, because the only people worth being friends with are there.

But I do love my friends now...but this just isn't working for me anymore.

Empty fields move me so much more than rooms filled up with friends...

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 02:49:47 GMT

It baffles me how someone I once considered my best friend, could make me feel like I don't exist.

It's like I'm dead to her, but I never really did anything that could possibly make her think that way.

But please, just tell me how you feel yourself, and not completely avoid me and lead me to believe that I could possibly still be at least your acquaintance.

Because I find it extremely tedious and frustrating when you act so "buddy/buddy" with some of these people right in front of me, like you're trying to rub in my face that you hate me? I don't understand it.

But hopefully you read this because you normally do.